The Lakers Have Become Desperate Stalkers

Does this look like a guy you should be pursuing?

There’s something rotten in the state of California.

The smell has become quite pungent and the source can be distinctly identified as coming from the Staples Center, home of the Los Angeles Lakers. Initially it was tough to identify, but this week it has become quite clear that it’s the thick stench of desperation in the air.

Those closer to the situation may have been able to recognize it sooner, but the stink emanating from one of professional sports most storied franchises has officially gone national. The root cause being, of course, their emotionally stunted, leadership impaired big man, Dwight Howard.

The Lakers traded for Howard in 2012, freeing the Orlando Magic of the 18 months of uncertainty, speculation, and demands put upon them by their indecisive superstar, and ridding themselves of costly malcontent Andrew Bynum in the process. Seemed like your classic win-win for L.A.

In the deal Bynum was shipped off to the Philadelphia 76ers, who got themselves a less likable, completely indifferent, and more injury prone—he played exactly zero games last season—version of Howard. Despite coming off back surgery, Howard was a definite upgrade for the Lakers.

At least Howard has a friendlier disposition.

Not everyone was sold on the Lakers’ offseason moves last year, but that’s not saying much. Jeanie Buss could time travel back to the early 90s and bring back a young Michael Jordan to sign and there would still be plenty of devoted Laker-haters all to ready to s*** on the move. Anyone who thinks Bynum has a brighter future in the NBA than Howard is obviously taking crazy pills.

The addition of aging and very expensive, but still serviceable, point guard Steve Nash, it’s obvious the team wanted to win now, while at the same time preparing for the future. A future without Kobe Bryant, who won’t be able to play forever—no matter what he says.

It was a logical plan with potential to make them a better team than the one that lost 4-1 to the Oklahoma City Thunder in the 2012 Conference Semi-finals.

Unfortunately for Laker Nation, the best-laid schemes of mice and men go astray sometimes. It’s fair to say this one crashed and burned, right from the start. After a disappointing 1-4 start to the season, the Lakers fired head coach Mike Brown. A serious overreaction that set the stage for a season of turmoil and increasingly potent desperation.

Perhaps things would have been very different had they made the decision to bring back the legendary Phil Jackson, but we’ll never know. We’ll also never know who was smoking what when Mike D’Antoni was decided upon as Brown’s successor.

Jackson likely wondered the same thing when Lakers GM Mitch Cupchack informed him he had been passed over. In May he revealed that all he could do at the time was laugh at the notion that D’Antoni would be able to manage the current roster—he said “it was humorous to me,” which is why Phil’s the king.

Don’t let this fool you. There’s no love lost here.

Jackson has a proven ability to manage high-maintenance superstar talent, not to mention 11 championship rings to show for his efforts. Whereas D’Antoni was fired by the New York Knicks earlier in 2012 because he couldn’t play nice with Carmelo Anthony, which is pretty humorous.

It’s fair to say that Jackson couldn’t have made things any worse had he been hired, even if his life depended on it. The 2012-13 Lakers season was an abject disaster and Howard couldn’t have been anymore of a disappointment, even if his life depended on it. Maybe he wasn’t the biggest problem with the team, but he’s certainly the biggest target—literally and figuratively.

Howard’s stats across the board were down in 2012-13. Also in the gutter was his attitude, enthusiasm, and the public’s perception of him. Then there was his relationship with teammate Kobe Bryant, which was strained on its best day. Granted, that’s been known to happen when you bring an heir into the castle when the king is still on the throne.

This is awkward.

Bryant and Howard couldn’t be more different. Bryant is a cold and calculated killer who has an uncanny ability to check his humanity and his emotions at the door. Howard is an over-emotional, overgrown man-child who cares way too much what people say about him and still needs his daddy to fight his battles.

They should’ve seen the writing on the wall when Howard announced he’d be playing in the 2013 NBA All-Star game, despite missing real playing time with an injured shoulder. But instead of seeing an attention-seeking diva whose priorities were out of whack, GM Cupchack saw a future in which a Dwight Howard statue stood proudly outside the Staples Center.

More desperation…and delusion.

They played better ball in the second half of the season, but still only managed to limp into the playoffs as the No. 7 seed in the Western Conference. With Bryant having gone down for the season with a torn Achilles just days before the start of their series with the San Antonio Spurs, most experts had the Lakers losing in 5-6 games. They were too generous.

A couple of smarty pants predicted the sweep, knowing full well that the Spurs would show up every night and play like something was on the line and that, without Bryant, the Lakers didn’t have anyone guaranteed to do the same. Howard barely showed up for the first three games and didn’t stick around for the fourth, earning himself an ejection shortly after halftime.

In the wake of the loss he called the entire season a “bad dream” and a “nightmare … [they] couldn’t wake up out of.” An accurate description which led many to believe that his departure from the Lakers via free agency was an absolute, and undisputed, certainty.

Howard hated every minute of every day he played for the Lakers. He was constantly criticized and condemned by fans and media alike. He clashed with his teammates and coaches. And he was put under a microscope and mercilessly picked apart on a daily basis on the largest and most heated stage in the league.

This isn’t the face of a person who is enjoying himself.

It just didn’t work for Howard in L.A. and he seemed acutely aware and resigned to the fact that it wasn’t going to work by early 2013.  He was just going through the motions by the time the playoffs came, looking forward to free agency—when he would be courted, coddled, and coaxed, all while being offered massive amounts of money in the process.

To most it wasn’t a question of whether he would leave the Lakers, but when and to where.

Although the organization, and many of those close to it, seem to be convinced that Howard could still be wooed back to Los Angeles. Either that, or a future without him seems so hopeless that they have thrown all their eggs into one basket. The basket of someone who hates them.

The basket of someone who would never live up to the Laker ideal of the countless legends that have come before him, even if he cared. Which he doesn’t. Howard doesn’t set high standards because he doesn’t like to be disappointed. It’s, quite simply, not a good fit.

When it comes to the Lakers, the simple fact is this: He’s just not that into you. 

Too bad that hasn’t stopped the organization, and those close to it, from publicly and privately begging him to come back. All the begging and groveling, likely in vein, to win the affection of Howard has been an embarrassment to the Lakers and their longstanding legacy.

The team, itself, has obviously made their pitches to Howard, likely sweetening the deal a number of times. Steve Nash, Magic Johnson, and even Phil Jackson have all made appeals to him via Twitter, imploring him to stay. Nash even reminded Howard that leaving would put his future statue outside the Staples Center in jeopardy.

Who knows though…the Lakers might erect that statue either way at this point. They seem that desperate.

In the last few days Bryant has challenged Howard to rise to the occasion and let himself be taught by a champion. (Surely he’ll respond well to condescension) He’s been implored by fans, including actor Jack Nicholson, who has personally reached out to Howard and asked him to stay.

Seriously, Jack F***ing Nicholson has gotten down on his hands and knees and begged this kid to stay. He was right. I can’t handle that truth.

At the very least, the Lakers are smart enough to know that catering to Howard’s overinflated ego is the only hand they have to play. Which is why Time Warner has reportedly been a part of the negotiations, because they can promise him his very own television show.

Too bad The Dwight Howard Hour didn’t exist this past season. Now that would’ve been interesting.

More interesting than, yet another, “will he or won’t he” Dwight Howard saga polluting the summer sports coverage—that’s for damn sure. More interesting for the public. And less pathetic for the Lakers. Anything would be less pathetic for them at this point.

Dwight Howard is expected to make his ‘Decision’ by week’s end, assuming he can bear to part with the spotlight and actually make a decision that he says is still “totally up in the air.” Of course it’s up in the air. If it wasn’t, then everyone would stop lavishing love and attention on him.

Without which, Howard might just blink out of existence and cease to be. Hey—we can dream, right?

Whenever he announces that he will be playing for [insert any team that isn’t the Lakers], at least Jack Nicholson can rest well knowing that his time brown-nosing a proven loser was well spent.

All basketball and no work makes Jack a crazy person.

Same with everyone else who has disregarded their dignity and self-respect worshipping at the alter of Dwight Howard, building him up as a god, even though he did nothing but tear your franchise down for an entire season.

You tried your best, but now it’s time to stop all this. Relationships end. Howard pulled the plug on this one a long time ago. It’s time for the Lakers to move on in search of an heir worthy of the uniform. Howard may have a few inches on Kobe Bryant, but he could never fill his shoes.