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Aaron Hernandez Can Intimidate a Witness, Chris Christie Can Crush a Concession Stand

Image courtesy of Zimbio

Image courtesy of Zimbio

Two scary, but impressive for two entirely different reasons, stories have been playing out in the sports world over the last few days. Let’s start with the one less likely to give you nightmares before moving onto the one will haunt so many forever.

The first is courtesy of formidably and unapologetically rotund New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, who at one point was a serious GOP contender for the White House, but in recent months has been reduced to nothing more than a tired cliché and a constant punch line.

The cliché being that of the stereotypical greedy and soulless politician—the one with lavish tastes, addicted to the high life, living on everyone’s dime but his own. In recent months Christie has been subjected to tremendous financial scrutiny, including ethics concerns that come along with accepting high-value gifts from wealthy friends like Cowboys owner Jerry Jones.

Last season Christie made headlines appearing at Jones’ side in his owner’s box at a number of Cowboys games. Questions about the travel and accommodations were already a thorn in Christie’s sizable side, but a report from about his use of taxpayer dollars on food and drinks exacerbates what was already a bad situation.

According to the report, Christie spent 80 percent of his allowance during his first five years in office to buy food, alcohol and assorted desserts. That’s comes out to a grand total of $300,000, which is completely separate from the $175,000 salary he draws annually.

Per the report:

“Christie’s most notable spending spree occurred during the 2010 and 2011 NFL football seasons at MetLife Stadium, where the New York’s Giants and Jets play their home games. New Jersey’s governor traditionally enjoys free use of luxury boxes for games and other events at the government-owned venue, but food and beverages cost extra.

On 58 occasions, Christie used a debit card to pay a total of $82,594 to Delaware North Sportservice, which operates the concessions at MetLife. The governor’s office did not provide any receipts, business reasons or names of individuals entertained, but defended the expense.”

Of course Christie’s office managed to defend the expenditures, but what else could was his  press secretary Kevin Roberts supposed to say? “Sorry our governor is a gluttonous pig that can eat his own body weight in nachos on a daily basis, but there is literally nothing I can do about it.”

Dude is waiting in the shadows to eat your children...

Dude is waiting in the shadows to eat your children…

Thanks to Deadspin’s Tom Ley for doing the math on this one, who figured out that Christie, who attended every Giants and Jets home game in 2010 and 2011, managed to spend $2,581 per game—on food and drinks alone. Seriously, like nachos, Pepsi and hot dogs.

Sure those stadium markups are a bitch, but come the fuck on. It’s virtually impossible to maintain that level of spending over two years, let alone that level of eating. Christie has been eating so much for so long that he’s rendered that Lap-Band of his completely useless. Lap-Band should consider suing him for all the bad press.

Okay, enough about Chris Christie being the hungriest of all the hippos. Let’s move on to former Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez, who has a voracious appetite all his own. Though it takes a lot more than thousands of dollars worth of concessions snacks to satisfy this guy’s appetite.

Image courtesy of Zimbio

Image courtesy of Zimbio

Hernandez, as you may know, was recently convicted for the first-degree murder of Odin Lloyd, a former friend that he gunned down in cold blood in June 2013. Though there have been a few vague rumors and reasons for why Hernandez decided to execute Lloyd have circulated, none of them have even come close to explaining his actions that night.

Which actually makes a lot of sense when you realize Hernandez doesn’t always need a motive to murder—sometimes he just does it for the love of the game. In May 2014, long before he was convicted in the Lloyd case, Hernandez was also indicted for the 2012 slayings of Daniel de Abreu and Safiro Furtado.

The men were shot to death in their own car as they waited at a red light in Boston’s South Send. According to the prosecutor, who was vague on details at the time, the two men had a brief encounter with Hernandez inside a nightclub, after which he tracked them like a hunter in his SUV and slaughtered them like animals with a .38-caliber revolver.

Though his body count (that we know of) stands at three, a brand new indictment has revealed that it came perilously close to being four. According to CNN, the victim was Alexander Bradley, a man who was described as Hernandez’s former right-hand man.

Image courtesy of Zimbio

Image courtesy of Zimbio

Bradley was officially demoted from that position in February 2013, when Hernandez allegedly shot him in the face and left him for dead in an industrial park near Riviera Beach, Florida. The body of Lloyd was, incidentally, also found in an industrial park.

According to the indictment, Bradley is believed to have been a witness to the double homicide committed by Hernandez in Boston the previous July. When Bradley brought up the incident months later, prosecutors believe Hernandez decided to silence his former friend for good.

Considering how good Hernandez is at murdering people, it’s stunning Bradley even survived the encounter. And it also no wonder he wanted nothing to do with the police investigation that followed. Though he filed a civil suit against Hernandez in June 2013, it wasn’t until recently Bradley began fully cooperating with authorities.

Probably because he wants to make sure Hernandez is never released to finish the job.

Even though the success rate of Hernandez at attempted murder is just 75 percent, with Bradley severely bringing down his average, you’ve got to admit that shooting a former friend in the face is probably the single most intimidating thing you could do to a witness, short of actual murder…which was the actual intent.


Let’s hope this guy never sees the light of day again. Hernandez is a cold-blooded, psychopathic murderer, the likes of which the sports world has never seen. He’s not the first NFL player-turned-murder, but he is the first whose reason seems to be “just because.”

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