Donald Trump is Right, Tom Brady is the Greatest Threat Facing America Today

Unless you’re a mentally deficient tool bag with an unnatural attraction to the color orange and enjoy being screamed at by an attention-whoring monosyllabic blowhard, whose head looks like a rotting tomato with a dead squirrel resting atop it, then you probably do not enjoy the depressingly predictable antics of one Donald Trump.

You know Donald Trump, right? The oft-bankrupt billionaire whose limited vocabulary could be challenged by your average Border Collie. And whose supposed elite education nothing more than the mythical byproduct of a few greased palms and a little glad-handing by Trump’s older brother, Fred, who had to call in a favor or two to help Don-Don pad his fictionalized biography.

On Tuesday Trump officially announced his temporary bid for the presidency, which will last just long enough to make people start paying attention to him again, but end well short of actually having to prove he can speak using anything but mad lib-style soundbites in which he really overuses “loser” as a noun. Actually, well short of having to prove he can do anything. 

Say what you will about the GOP field, but in terms of pure stupidity, the only one that may be able to rival The Donald is Texas’ own Rick Perry—it’s a tradition in the Lone Star State to have a governor with an IQ in the 60-80 range, so they can relate to all the mentally disabled they execute down there.

Even so, a broken clock is still right twice a day! In Trump’s announcement he…basically…said that Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is China and that he’s a threat to everything we hold dear as a nation. Although he tried to play it off as some sort of political metaphor, it’s best not to dig too deep when Donald Trump is involved.

So it seems Trump is seriously one-upping Lincoln Chafee, who recently announced his candidacy by promising to force the metric system on a reluctant American public, and promised to fight the real enemy (no, not the Pope!): Thomas Edward Patrick Brady. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t intrigued.

Unfortunately, when it comes to Trump, if it seems too good to be true, it’s probably a massive, perfectly wrapped present, topped with a big beautiful bow, and filled with loosely sealed bags of diarrhea and rotting meat. Today Trump’s talking about taking down Tom Terrific, but tomorrow he could decide Brady has nothing to do with China whatsoever we’re back to business as usual.

Business as usual being that Donald Trump has the social grace of an aggressive baboon, the smarts of an inbred domestic turkey (not to mention its neck), the booming, yet haunting vocals of a pack of hyenas, and temperament of a retarded honey badger. That and he’s running for president. Perfect.

This man needs to be stopped.

That being said, if he’s got a plan to protect us from Tom Brady, I’d be willing to hear the guy out.

Click over to TMZ Sports if you want to subject yourself to Trump’s latest exercise in self-indulgence, but it’ll only encourage him.