Week in Sports: The Good, Bad & Ugly

The Good

Relax, it’s just soccer. Kidding!

U.S. victory keeps them in contention for the World Cup: 

Whether or not you like soccer is completely irrelevant. The rest of the world loves the sport and the United States not being represented at the 2014 FIFA World Cup in Brazil would be an absolute embarrassment. Not just for soccer fans—for America.

Sure, even if we go, we’re probably just going to get knocked out by some third world nation at some point. That’s better than not going at all, dignity wise. Though, when it comes to the U.S. and men’s soccer, the whole dignity thing is a sliding scale.

Team U.S.A managed to gain a little of it this week by winning an intense match against Jamaica in their capital city of Kingston. The U.S. struck first, Jozy Altidore found the back of the net in the 30th minute of play. Jamaica did tie it up for awhile, but the U.S. finally managed to finish a game by scoring early on in the four minutes of stoppage time.

Which means the dream of the U.S. losing to a third world country like Ghana on a global stage again during the most watched sporting competition in the entire world lives on.

Shut up. It’s still good news.

Terrell Owens is finally living in the real world: 

Despite being one of the greatest wide receivers of a generation, Terrell Owens has been unemployed since playing one season with the Cincinnati Bengals in 2010.

Part of that is that he’ll be hitting the big 4-0 at the end of this year and injuries had become a problem in recent years. The even bigger reason behind T.O.’s unemployment is T.O. He spent a decade in the NFL tearing down everyone around him, particularly his quarterbacks, while endlessly promoting himself.

Well, getcha’ popcorn ready! Owens seems to be finally coming to terms with the reality he created for himself. That’s what happens when you hit rock bottom. In a recent interview with Mike Freeman of CBS Sports, T.O. was refreshingly candid about his future—or lack thereof—in the league.

He said he’s been staying in shape in hopes of playing one more season, but realizes chances of that happening are slim. Owens said if he doesn’t find any takers for the 2013 season, he’ll retire, adding “It would be time … I have to be honest with myself.”

It’s about damn time.

The Bad

It’s 4:20 somewhere, right? Stoner logic is the best.

Indians All-Star closer has marijuana mailed to his house: 

The hits seriously never stop coming for sports fans in Cleveland. If you thought LeBron James’ “Decision” was bad, it doesn’t hold a candle to Indians closer Chris Perez’s very bad decision to have the sticky icky mailed to his own home.

You know, the home he shares with his wife and the couple’s two children. Talk about responsible parenting. And no, Chris Perez, having the packages addressed to his dog doesn’t make the plan any better. It does makes it funnier though.

Although, the comedic value of criminal boobery doesn’t usually carry much water in court. The police were tipped off about Perez using the U.S. Post Office as his own personal weed wagon and set up a sting operation to bust Brody Braum in the act—that poor dos, setting him up as a patsy is unconscionable.

The fuzz secured a warrant to ransack the Perez home and the search turned up a bunch of paraphernalia and nearly a pound of the pot. Apparently he’s being taken at his word that it was all for personal use because the charges resulting from the incident are misdemeanors.

According to a report in Sports Illustrated, the club is “disappointed” that their All-Star pitcher was busted importing illegal drugs from Los Angeles. They aren’t really interested that he imports drugs though, GM Chris Antonetti just doesn’t like when “any negative attention [is] brought to the Indians organization or one of [their] players.”

The Penguins and Kings ruin once riveting NHL postseason:

The 2013 NHL playoffs have been excellent—right up until the Conference Finals on both coasts. Until then seven game series had been the norm and dramatic overtime victories had fans on the edge of their collective seat. It was an exciting couple of weeks.

Apparently it was all little too dramatic for the Pittsburgh Penguins and Los Angeles Kings, who basically decided to close up shop one series short of the finals. The Boston Bruins absolutely dominated a Pens team that had gone from hero to zero in less than a week.

The reigning Stanley Cup champion Kings didn’t fare much better against the Chicago Blackhawks either, looking suddenly hapless while losing in five games. The silver lining is that L.A. won’t have to waste any time or money on a victory parade that attracts a few dozen people.

The Bruins and Blackhawks will make a fine matchup in the Finals, but it would have been fun to see a more entertaining warmup to the big show.

The Ugly 

Philadelphians are just surprised this didn’t happen at a Phillies game—for once.

Dennis Rodman is delusional about LeBron James: 

Big surprise, huh? Dennis Rodman has something to say and it’s completely ridiculous. This week during an interview on The Dan Patrick Show, Rodman shared his thoughts on the never ending comparisons between the Miami Heat’s LeBron James and the Chicago Bulls legend Michael Jordan.

Now we all know that everyone is entitled to their opinion. James has certainly been making a run at the greatness of His Airness, but the general consensus seems to be that he isn’t there quite yet. He may never get there, but maybe he will.

Although, according to Rodman he never will. James isn’t close now and no matter what he does in his career, he never will be. He added that defending King James would have been “no problem” for him back in his prime because LeBron would have been an “average player” in the 80s and 90s.

Rodman said the game was more physical back in the day and that LeBron couldn’t have handled it. Essentially degrading the entire NBA today by suggesting that LJ’s success merely the product of weak competition.

Oh Dennis Rodman, same has he ever was…same as he ever was. Crazy, self-serving,and completely detached from reality.

Terrible man runs over child to retrieve a home run ball: 

Listen, I’m not one to be overly sensitive about children. In April 2012 there was a man at a Texas Rangers game who caught a foul ball fair-and-square, only to be vilified by the national media for not handing it over to a crying child.

That was absolutely ridiculous—kids need to learn that not every goes their way and that whining your face off over it is a strategy that only works for so long. Them’s the breaks, bro. It’s best to learn those lessons at an early age because they are much more painful later in life.

That being said, the heartless jag that ran down a small child to snag a home run in the 13th inning of a mostly scoreless game this week between the Chicago White Sox and Seattle Mariners, he’s a different story altogether.

Bulldozing a kid for a stupid baseball is completely unacceptable, for a number of reasons.

1. It’s just a stupid baseball.
2. People’s kids are important to them, or so I’ve been told.
3. The Mariners record is only slightly better than the last place Houston Astros, who are paying their players with rolls of quarters this year.
4. It’s only June and the win is meaningless, as will all the rest of the Mariners wins this season.

So, way to be a terrible person. Hopefully you see the tears and hear the cries of heart broken and injured children in your mind every time you look at it.

And the Awesome! 

Dwight Howard will have to get Andrew Bynum to explain that to him.

Dwight Howard sucked this year and Alex Trebeck was watching: 

Those eagle-eyed heroes over at Complex recently watched one of the only episodes of Jeopardy I’ve ever missed—and it was a good one.

The answer referenced a geometric arch of a projectile known as a parabola and the Los Angeles Lakers deficient big man, Dwight Howard.

The more narrow the parabola, the more free throws in the net. Since Howard shoots under 50 percent from the line, the example was as hilarious as it was accurate.