Dodgers Carl Crawford, Terrible Decision Maker, Engaged to Evelyn Lozada

Before he was traded from Boston to Los Angeles, Carl Crawford’s contract had been considered one of the worst—if not the worst—in Red Sox history. Well, that ain’t nothing compared to the contract the Dodgers‘ outfielder will be entering into next.

Last week Crawford became engaged to Evelyn Lozada, basically a glorified athlete escort who is currently pregnant with the couple’s first child. Lozada has said she’s due next March, which means she’s been “with child” since last July.

Impressive, considering they’ve been together since May.

What’s more impressive? Lozada is currently six months pregnant, yet Crawford has a five-month-old daughter and a nine-year-old son with his ex-girlfriend Amy Freeman. Looks like Lozada is still okay with being cheated on.

Either that or she’s really bad at math. Actually, it’s probably both.

Although it’s not clear just how serious they were early on in their relationship. Considering Crawford had been in a relationship for over a decade and was expecting a baby and Lozada was taking high school boys to their proms—at least one boy to one prom.

Something tells me things didn’t get “serious” he seriously knocked her up. Child support is better than alimony because it lasts for decades.

That’s not to say Crawford is the only one going into this eventual divorce with some heavy baggage—far from it.

Lozada is the one with two very high profile past romances (if that’s what you call this sort of thing) and a 20-year-old daughter named Shaniece, whose father has been described as “some dude from Brooklyn.”

Lozada first got started in her field over a decade ago; her relationship with basketball player Antoine Walker—a three-time NBA champion—started right about the time his career began in the leg and was over right around the time it ended.

Talk about timing, right?

She used their relationship to launch a second career as a “reality” “star” on the wretched VH1 show Basketball Wives, which pays her a (depressingly) pretty penny to dress in tight clothes and say increasingly terrible things about other women.

Thankfully they had no children together, but they were engaged for some period of time towards the end of their relationship. Lozada promptly bailed on that right around the time Walker filed for Chapter 7 bankruptcy protection in Miami back in 2010.

These days Walker is destitute and occasionally takes to Twitter to moan about the various injustices he believes he’s suffered. So he’s broke and Lozada walked away from the relationship with a cool $560,000 and he attempted to sue to get it back? Yep. That sounds just about right.

Lozada’s next mark—I mean man—was former NFL wide receiver Chad Ochocinco-Johnson. Of course, they got together when he was still playing football and broke up right around the time his career ended. She sure does seem to have a knack for finding employed athletes.

Talk about timing, right?

Lozada and Ocho began dating in late 2010 and were set to be married in early 2012, but in January it was announced the wedding had been indefinitely postponed. The cheating “rumors” that plagued their relationship bubbled up again over the holidays.

Awww. The best Christmas present ever!

Realizing that a leopard doesn’t change its spots (or whatever), eventually Lozada came to terms with the fact that her fiancé had absolutely no interest in being faithful to her. So she did what any reasonable woman out there would do—she married him anyway.

Ocho and Lozada got hitched over the 4th of July weekend in 2012—the wedding was quite beautiful. The wedded bliss lasted an impressive five weeks before being smashed, along with her forehead, in a very nasty domestic assault incident outside their Miami home.

The divorce was settled 13 months later, no doubt after spending the greater part of a year figuring out what, exactly, Lozada would be walking away with. Can’t imagine she’s ever walked away from anything empty handed.

And speaking of never walking away empty handed! Even if her marriage to Crawford lasts 41 days like her last, Lozada’s hand will be just fine. Her ostentatious 14.5 carat diamond engagement ring is valued at $1.4 million.

Approximately $155,000 for each month the happy couple have been together.

So yeah! Congratulations to these two. I’m sure their marriage will provide them a lifetime of happiness…condensed into about seven months…at which time they’ll file for divorce and divide Crawford’s assets amongst them.

Lozada will, naturally, keep all the wedding presents.