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Donovan McNabb Really Needs to Stop Talking

He's not as tough as he looks.

That biceps is filled with pain and hurt feelings.

You know how some athletes retire with the scorn of the general public, then they go away for awhile and when they return it’s like…oh maybe he wasn’t so bad after all. They say time heals all wounds. And the proverbial they are rarely wrong.

The sentiment holds especially true if your only crime is failing to win a Super Bowl and having an uncanny knack for rubbing people the wrong way.

Of course the one key ingredient here is the passage of time. If an athlete doesn’t go away, he doesn’t give the attention deficient public the opportunity to stop hating him and eventually forget why they hated him so much to begin with because they got so busy hating a bunch of other people instead.

If ever there was a candidate for this type of forgive and forget scenario, it was longtime Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb. Not only did he survive a decade in America’s meanest sports town, somehow he managed to thrive while playing in front of 70,000 angry Philadelphians.

Calling them “fans” would be a bit of an overstatement, considering the infamous draft day boos they showered McNabb with in 1999. The Eagles could have used their first round pick on a half-empty case of beer and it would have probably been met with a warmer reception by those cheesesteak wielding rage machines.

Despite his flaws, in the civilized world the general consensus on McNabb during his career was that he was a very solid NFL quarterback whose skills and accomplishments were often dismissed while playing in the [ironically nicknamed] City of Brotherly Love. His brief and unimpressive stints with the Washington Redskins and Minnesota Vikings were regrettable, but his career was defined in Philly.

If only McNabb would let his career do the talking for him. Unfortunately it’s his mouth that’s been doing all the talking and everything that comes out of it sucks. Considering his unceremonious exit from the NFL—he was forced into retirement after realizing there was precisely zero interest in his comeback—a certain level of bitterness is understandable.

His level of bitterness is not.

McNabb has been on a one-man bridge-burning tour for much of the last two years. You’d think he must have kept a Nixon-esque enemies list of everyone who had wronged him over the years and has been addressing them in the media one-by-one. And you’d be right.

This is 100 percent authentic.

This is 100 percent authentic.

On the Double Coverage Podcast in September 2012 McNabb outlined a list of everything that went wrong for the 2011 Vikings, which went as follows: No Sidney Rice, misuse of Percy Harvin, too much focus on Adrian Peterson, massive holes on defense and Christian Ponder.

He only forgot one thing…

In November 2012 McNabb took the opportunity to kick a dog while it’s down by predicting that the Eagles’ woes were only going to get worse. He cited a lack of chemistry, continuity and identity, but we all know that was just code for a lack of Donovan McNabb.

On ESPN’s morning screamfest First Take in March 2012 McNabb tried to rain of the parade of jubilant Redskins fans everywhere when he insisted that [then] recently drafted quarterback Robert Griffin III was a “bad fit” with coach Mike Shanahan. As for why—McNabb cited the fact that he [Donovan McNabb] was misused.

But was he really misused or did he just suck? [That question was rhetorical because we all know the answer]

It wasn’t long after that he tweeted about, what he believed, was the comical nature of Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo’s six-year contract extension. Sayeth McNabb: “You got to be kidding me.” Oh the glorious irony!

On the NFL Network in July McNabb said Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice would take a step back this season because he fumbles “way too much.” Props to Rice for not tweeting that McNabb’s problem that he loses in Super Bowls “way too much” in response.

Which brings us up to present day. And in the present day, RG3 is once again the bee in his bonnet.

In June McNabb told Mike Wise of the Washington Post that he’d like to sit down with RG3 and his father because he was eager to tell them everything the Heisman Trophy winner has been doing wrong. If that meeting ever does happen, those two poor bastards should clear their whole schedules because it’s gonna be a long one.

Here is his preliminary list of Griffin grievances:

This one has also been authenticated.

This one has also been authenticated.

Wow. It’s just shocking that they have yet to take him up on that.

Now if you’re thinking the Griffin’s passed on being subjected to an afternoon full of McNabb’s condescending advice and unconstructive criticisms because it sounds positively wretched—you’re probably right. In RG3’s recent interview with GQ he said: “I don’t think Donovan is an idiot by any means. But right now, it’s probably best that we don’t talk.”

Well that sounds pretty reasonable, right? Wrong. Dead wrong…at least according to Donovan McNabb.

The real reason is far more sinister. This week on his NBC Sports Radio show [which, apparently exists] McNabb dropped a serious truth bomb about the inner workings of the Redskins organization: “I honestly think that over there in Washington, he’s getting brainwashed.  … He’s getting input from whoever it may be on, ‘There’s no reason to talk to him, it didn’t work out here.'”

So listen up Robert Griffin II and III: You can consider that invitation OFFICIALLY RESCINDED!

Eventually McNabb got all “GET OFF MY LAWN” about the whole thing, lamenting the younger generation who “think they have all the answers.” He claimed to wish the best from Griffin, but coming from the guy who hates everything the kid says or does, the sentiment rang more than a little bit hollow.

It’s become clear that McNabb is living in a deluded fantasy land of his own creation. It’s a world where he is a wise old oracle who did everything right and RG3 is an ungrateful little punk who is desperately in need of guidance, but refuses to accept being guided.

In reality Griffin is doing just fine. He led the ‘Skins to the playoff as a rookie and the recovery from the ACL injury he sustained along the way is going very well. And he put off law school and skipped the Olympic trials to embark on an NFL career. Oh…and he wasn’t booed by anyone [except for maybe a few Jets fans] on draft day.

For awhile this nonsense looked like a classic case of sour grapes, but we’re so far beyond that at this point. McNabb isn’t just a little bitter. And he’s not just kinda hurt. He’s a hostilely vindictive megalomaniac who is becoming increasingly detached from reality with each passing day.

Which is why he really needs to stop talking.

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