Kellen Winslow Jr. Was Arrested For Masturbating Outside a Target…Ew.

On Friday NJ.com was the first to report the very disturbing details of New York Jets tight end Kellen Winslow’s November arrest. And by disturbing, I do mean disturbing. Not like O.J. Simpson disturbing, but pretty high up there for a crime with no victims.

The incident happened in the parking lot of a Target in East Hanover, NJ, on November 19th. Police were responding to a call from a woman who spotted Winslow behaving strangely inside his black Cadillac Escalade. And by strangely, I do mean strangely. 

From the police report:

As she exited her vehicle, she commented to the male regarding how cold it was. As she stood near the open driver side window of the Escalade, she observed the male’s erect penis. She stated that she believed he was masturbating. [The woman] provided a written statement regarding her account.

When police arrived on the scene they found Winslow “slouched in his seat and moving around,” but his genitles (apparently) were no longer exposed at that point. He was wearing “dark colored” sweatpants and told the officers he got lost looking for Boston Market.

A quick scan of the vehicle painted an unsettling picture. First of all, Winslow was found to be in possession of two synthetic types of marijuana, “Mr. Happy” and “Funky Monkey.” Given the situation, the names couldn’t have been more appropriate.

Officers also noticed two containers of Vaseline on his center console. Correction: Two open containers of Vaseline on his center console. Now before you go getting all judgmental, he was probably just going to put petroleum jelly on his Boston Market.

Not one…but TWO open containers of Vaseline.

Although the report listed “lewdness” among his violations that fateful day, Winslow wasn’t actually charged with anything related to his creepy Vaseline caper. Not that it matters, given that he’s already been charged, tried and convicted in the court of public opinion.

Seriously, there’s just no feasible explanation for two open jars of Vaseline in your parked car. Winslow has released a statement through a PR mouthpiece denying the lewdness stuff, calling it “unfounded and ridiculous.” Well, he’s half right.

It’s certainly ridiculous, but it’s not unfounded.

Anyway, that’s what we know. At this point, however, I’m actually a little more concerned with what we don’t know. As I see it, there are three very disturbing possible scenarios here and I’m afraid we’ll never know which one applied to Winslow’s Target adventure.

Scary: Winslow left his house to go pick up a few necessities at Target, including some much needed Vaseline for dry hands and feet—it being winter and all. He happened to have the drugs in his vehicle already and made a bad decision after his shopping trip.

Scarier: Winslow left his house, drugs in tow, because he wanted to pick up some Vaseline at Target. Before…ya know…masturbating in the parking lot, which he thought would be a great way to kill some time on his day off.

Scariest: Winslow had absolutely no plans to go to Target at all and left his house with two containers of Vaseline and some drugs for the sole purpose of masturbating in the parking lot there. This one really, really upsets me.

Now all we can really do is speculate, so have at it.