Matt Stafford Mediocre at Football, Awesome at Life

Image courtesy of Zimbio

Don’t freak out Lions fans. Obviously most of you are still trying to convince yourselves that Matt Stafford is just a few tweaks short of the superstar you desperately want him to be. After all, he’s got the size and general shape of many successful quarterbacks, with a laser rocket arm to boot!

But deep down you know he’s nothing more than a poor man’s Brett Favre—and that’s on his best days. This isn’t meant to denigrate or offend, as you have all been through enough collectively. The only thing being said here is that on the football field, Stafford is an average quarterback, and y’all deserve better.

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You know who doesn’t deserve better? Mr. John Matthew Stafford. Having been following his newly wed wife Kelly on Instagram for some time, I’ve come to the realization that the reason he’ll never be an unquestioned great at his position is because it wouldn’t be fair.

Since his wedding a few weeks ago, Mr. and Mrs. Stafford have done more amazingly fun things than most of us do in a year—some in a lifetime! Even their wedding—and let’s face it, weddings usually suck—was irritatingly fantastic. Beautiful…fun…drunken. In other words, the perfect wedding.

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Actually, the perfect life. Let’s take a look at exactly why Stafford will never be any better than the quarterback he is today. Spoiler: it’s because he has more than enough already.

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First of all, the two were college sweethearts at Georgia. Matt the quarterback of the Bulldogs football team and Kelly a cheerleader. Matt obviously could’ve been a cheer boy, had that football stuff not worked out.

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After a few years together, Matt popped the question and gave Kelly a diamond ring that, I’m guessing, weighs about 14 pounds.

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Because they are irritatingly in love.

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So of course they got married, and the bride looked beautiful.

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And they both looked ridiculously happy and served chili dogs at the after party. That’s right, Matt Stafford’s wedding had an after party. 

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These are the custom made Nikes Kelly wore to the after party.

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And it was a party.

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Perhaps one of the greatest parties ever.

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Then came the honeymoon in New Zealand, which seems to be equal parts romantic and dangerous.

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Seriously, the Lions must hate this!

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And whatever happened before or after this photo was taken.

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Which was probably this.

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At least if the Staffords die on their extreme honeymoon, they’ll take a whole bunch of folks with them!

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So Matt Stafford is better than you at almost everything, his wife is hotter than yours, and he’s a shitload braver. Awesome.

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They’ve definitely been seeing the sights, and riding in style.

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Not to mention boozing it up.

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One thing the Lions can take solace in, despite the fact that their starting quarterback is overseas endangering his physical wellbeing on an hourly basis, is that Stafford is trying his best to keep in shape along the way. Check out that dude running stairs! Just thinking about having to walk up those stairs is making me tired.

Jeezus this guy is annoying. Whatever though, at least he’s just another mediocre quarterback named Matt.