Surprise, Surprise! Phony, Self-Important Narcissist Russell Wilson Doesn’t Think Hilarious Aaron Rodgers Is Hilarious

Images via Zimbio

Those familiar with the suddenly contentious (and delightfully so) relationship between Seattle Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson, who thinks water can cure concussions, and the Green Bay Packers’ Aaron Rodgers, who doesn’t think water can cure concussions, already know what this is all about. But for those who don’t, first the backstory.

It started back in January, when the Seahawks mounted a dramatic comeback against the Packers in the NFC Championship, defeating them in overtime and advancing to the Super Bowl. Following the game, a sobbing Wilson gushed about the very active, hands-on role God played in Seattle’s historic comeback.

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It was like Russell Wilson was rubber and God was glue, so all the praise heaped on Wilson bounced off of him and stuck to…Jesus. Or something like that. The overarching point was that God had an active rooting interest in the game and personally prepared the righteous Seahawks to defeat the less righteous (by virtue of being Russell Wilsonless) Packers.

On his ESPN Milwaukee radio show days later, Rodgers offered a counterpoint, “I don’t think God cares a whole lot about the outcome. He cares about the people involved, but I don’t think he’s a big football fan.” Jeez! It’s almost as if Rodgers doesn’t like the insinuation that he’s Jan Brady to Wilson’s Marcia…ya know…in the eyes of CHRIST.

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With the sports media always eager to pour gasoline on a fire, at Super Bowl media day Wilson was asked to comment on Rodgers’ week old comments about his initial comments. “I think God cares about football. I think God cares about everything he created,” said the man who appointed himself God’s favorite football player. 

Fast-forward to their Week 2 rematch, which the Packers won 27-17. During his postgame press conference, Rodgers said “getting help from God” contributed to their victory. “I think god was a Packers fan tonight, so he was taking care of us,” he added with the wry smile of a man who never forgets an axe in need of grinding.

Now, fast-forward to today! Unable to resist temptation any longer, Wilson gave in to his desire to feed the beast, offering up a wholly unnecessary response to Rodgers’ masterful troll job…four days later. What it lacked in…necessariness…it more than made up for with a heaping serving of condescension cloaked in faux humility Wilson is famous for.

“I know for me, I’m just grateful that God has given me the opportunity to play the great game of football,” said the chosen one. “I’m so grateful. I know that one of the things my parents always taught me is just continue to remain humble in your victories and your losses. And I think that’s just the thing that I’m grateful for, just to be able to play the game of football. I love it. Like I said, everybody’s entitled to their own opinion.”

Image via Zimbio

In a statement constructed from his inspirational poster refrigerator word magnets, the man who thinks God spends 80 hours a week tending personally to his needs, once again pretended to take the high road. Basking in the awesomeness of his own humility without even a hint of irony, Wilson conceded that Rodgers is “entitled to [his] own opinion,” while simultaneously dismissing his entire existence.

Inexplicably loathsome as it/he is, it’s hard not to envy the delusional world Wilson has created for himself. How great must the view be from that permanent place on the moral high ground, where he owns a $7 million mansion to relax in while God does all the heavy lifting, because Russell Wilson is just that much more important to him than everyone else.

Seriously?

Aaron Rodgers will just have to settle for being hysterical and dating Olivia Munn, in addition to being the best quarterback in the world.

The actual world though, not Russell Wilson’s self-important fantasy world, in which God is his full-time employee and the rest of us are nothing but obstacles that exist for the sole purpose of making Russell Wilson’s triumphs more triumphant.