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Unrepentant Psychopath Greg Hardy Puts Tom Brady’s Offseason ‘Troubles’ in Perspective

Image via Zimbio

Image via Zimbio

In terms of likability, or more specifically an abject lack thereof, the Dallas Cowboys are the only team in the NFL that can hang with the mighty New England Patriots. It’s a true testament to the enduring disdain the Cowboys have earned that, despite having averaged just eight wins per season since 2000, that they can still compete with a Patriots team that is always giving us new reasons to hate them.

Never one to be outdone, during the offseason Jerry Jones, the worst general manager in the world with the most job security, went out an acquired his trump card. Defensive end Greg Hardy, who spent most of last season on the commissioner’s exempt list before being released by the Carolina Panthers, signed with Dallas as a free agent. Because of course he did. 

Having missed the first four games of the season on suspension, Hardy is set to make his Cowboys debut against the Patriots this Sunday. His trouble stemmed from a July 2014 conviction for assault; one in which he reportedly beat his girlfriend so brutally that she begged him just to kill her and put an end the suffering.

North Carolina law allowed Hardy to appeal for a jury trial in superior court, and since the victim was too traumatized to be worked over for a third time, the conviction was ultimately set aside and the case dismissed. Hardy’s success at instilling enough fear in his victim to beat the system was apparently enough to convince Jerry Jones of his innocence (seriously). The delusion is real in Jerry World.

Delusions aside, this happened:

Given the horrifying nature of the charges he was convicted of, one might assume that Hardy would return to the league humbled and contrite. And in which case, one would be dead wrong. When questioned about returning in time to face the defending Super Bowl champion Patriots, Hardy was anything but.

Per the Dallas Morning News:

When Hardy was asked if he intended to speak out against domestic violence or involve himself with a local shelter, he talked about sticking to the game plan and not doing anything different. He’s excited his return is against the World Champion Patriots.

“I love seeing Tom Brady, he’s cool as crap,” Hardy said. “Have you seen his wife? I hope she comes to the game. I hope her sister comes to the game, all her friends come to the game. One of my favorite games of the year, guys.”

A reporter mentioned that he was sure the wife of Jacksonville quarterback Blake Bortles was attractive as well.

“Is she?” Hardy asked. “This kind of information is important. That’s how I select my Pro Bowls.”

After deflecting the question entirely to say horribly inappropriate things about Tom Brady’s wife, Hardy said with a shrug it was just his “deflective nature.” Yet somehow he still managed to say more than enough to confirm what most of us already knew: that Greg Hardy is a dangerously unrepentant psychopath.

Has he reflected on his ugly past? No. Hardy doesn’t like to reminisce like that. His word, not mine.

Does he regret assaulting his ex on a futon covered in guns while she begged him to kill her? Nah. The only thing Hardy regrets is not being there for his teammates in September, which he describes as the “worst feeling in the world.” 

Well if that’s the worst feeling in the world, it’s safe to say that Hardy has never been brutally assaulted by a professional football player on a futon covered in guns, resigned to the fact that he is about to die.

A close second has to be seeing a monster like Hardy go completely unpunished and then be rewarded with a $12 million contract—he’ll earn over $16,000 for every minute of football played this season. Something to keep in mind as time ticks by each week.

Since being pasted by Tom Brady is the closest thing to a comeuppance this rabid dog may ever get—at least until his football skills begin to diminish—let me just say this from the bottom of my heart: Let’s go Patriots.


Jerry Jones couldn’t resist getting in on the action. When asked about Hardy’s creepy comments, Jones said: “When I saw him marry her [Gisele], Tom went up in my eyes 100%. She’s very very attractive and it shows what an outstanding individual Tom is.”

Because of course he did.

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