Everyone Hates Thursday Night Football

Gotta love Bill Simmons.

Unfortunately not everyone on Twitter has command of the English language and the masterful use of sarcasm that rogue sportswriter Bill Simmons possesses. But his overarching point—that Thursday Night Football is THE WORST—certainly seems to be the consensus.

Football fans have been giving their tweetin’ fingers a workout tonight, that’s for sure. There has been the usual flood of “this sucks” “he sucks” “that sucks” stuff, but I also noticed a lot of viewers had questions about various things related to the game. Many of which have gone unanswered.

Until now.

I’m going to spend the second half answering questions because it’s better than watching the game. I’m also on the lookout for any particularly helpful observations and suggestions to pass on. Here we go:

First a big thanks to General Zod for perfectly and concisely summing up the overall vibe of the night. You’re a champion of brevity, if not punctuation.

Well Chris! Perhaps the NFL will see that Thursday Night Football is a failure…if it actually fails. You’re watching. I’m watching. Tons of people are watching. Just because they’re complaining about it doesn’t mean the NFL isn’t making money.

That’s how businesses define success vs. failure.

Well if by “tarnishing the brand,” you mean “the NFL is making shitloads of money and doesn’t give a damn about the supposed lack in quality football,” then yes….yes it is.

Their brand is making money—don’t be silly.

Thanks for asking, Christian! Normally I watch Thursday Night Football with a great big jug of wine because most things are more fun while drunk. Even watching someone clip his fingernails.

Great question, SB Nation. I’m going to have to say…yes…they definitely can bounce back against the Rams. After all, they are, in fact, the Rams.

 No, Tim. Lady Gaga do NOT sing the Thursday Night Football song.

Well Brian, I’ve gotten this question a lot. I know that it may seem like Thursday Night Football games are terrible, but that’s not really the case. It seems like they are particularly terrible, probably because they are standalone events in midweek—there are no other bad games to distract from them.

Plus, I think people are more likely to be hypercritical during the work week. Standards for entertainment are much lower on the weekends…everything seems fun when you’re not working.

Hey Andrew! I bet the 49ers were kind of hoping the free kick would be good.

Thanks for the question, Kenny! I’m pleased to announce that you are not alone in hating these announcers. Not only do I hate them, these folks do too:

I see what you did there with the sarcasm. Nice job, Michael.

Unless you were being serious. In which case, seek medical attention.

They might even be the worst people n the history of the world. Just saying.

It seems your opinion, Nick, is that of the majority.
Well, Jesse, lots of people. A quick search on Twitter would’ve told you that. However, I do wonder what inspired that question in the first place. Is it possible that you too are watching the game?

No judgement. We’re all friends here. Hey now! That’s a pretty legit question there, Evan. It’s so good that I wish that I had a better answer for you than this: The NFL is lying when they say they care about player safety.

They care about lining the pockets of their billionaire owners. Pretending to care about safety is nothing more than a crafty legal maneuver aimed at minimizing their losses via lawsuits down the road.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, John, but in this case it’s just unavoidable. It doesn’t matter how bad people say Thursday Night Football is, because they just keep on watching it anyway. It certainly seems like you’re watching the game—making you part of the problem.

Which means that they can, and will, allow this kind of football to continue. It doesn’t even matter if the level of play sinks to national tragedy levels—but since it’s statistically no worse than football played on Sunday, it probably won’t—the show must go on. Much like the bazillion turkeys that help us celebrate Thanksgiving each year, it died. (In 2006 when the NFL Network shot that tradition in the face and pissed on its lifeless body)

Hey Rodney! Why yes…yes I am watching Thursday Night Football: 49ers at Rams. How sweet of you to inquire. I hope this evening’s action is to your liking.

Now that’s a good one, CK. While I can’t say that I know the name of the actual person at the NFL/NFL Network that schedules the games, it’s definitely someone there.

Since they’re the NFL and…ya know…broadcast the games.
Well, “Mr. The Universe Revolves Around Me and My Crappy Fantasy Team,” the universe doesn’t actually revolve around you and your crappy fantasy team. But maybe it should…

Hey Cam! It sure feels like there has never been anything even remotely close to decent football played on Thursday in the history of the world. Although that’s probably not the case.

Thursday Night Football has been airing on the NFL Network since 2006, so the odds are that there’s been at least one entertaining game over that span.
Thanks for the question Nick! The reason ESPN is not broadcasting Thursday Night Football is because the NFL Network is. Which means ESPN probably isn’t allowed to broadcast the game, lest they be sued.

Plus—it’s already on another channel.

Excellent question, Jason. Tonight the St. Louis Rams and the San Francisco 49ers are playing. And this was definitely the most efficient way for you to find that out.

Good question. Now I have a question for you, Ian. Have you tried changing the channel? There’s more than one in that magical picture box these days—do a little digging.

Well Brenden…I suppose we could cancel Thursday Night Football next week. But then again, if we cancelled every game that was going to be terrible, we wouldn’t have very many left–now would we?