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Rob Gronkowski Looking For Wealthy, Non-Possessive Servant To Wed

Amber Lee Blog News NFL
Image via ESPN The Magazine

Image via ESPN The Magazine

On Tuesday afternoon, TMZ posted a brief clip the season premier of “The Jim Rome Show,” which airs this week. The guest is none other than Patriots stud tight end Rob “Sorry for Partying” Gronkowski, who is the MVP of every NFL offseason.

Although the one minute clip is tragically brief, the throngs of buzzed bikini-clad broads out there looking to lock it down with Gronk got a little glimpse into just what Tom Brady’s beefiest target is looking for in a lifeguard, a woman…and a wife.

Let’s start with a woman, because that’s a little easier. Asked by Rome what female celebrity he’d most want to be rescued by, in the fantastically unlikely event Gronk was drowning and a female celebrity just so happened to be standing around doing nothing.

Image via Zimbio

Image via Zimbio

“Margot Robbie. You know who what is? That lady off ‘The Wolf of Wall Street.’ That one,” replied Gronk. He added, “I watched ‘The Wolf of Wall Street’ and I was like, damn.”

Damn, indeed.

Ms. Robbie is absolutely stunning—not that she’d cut it in the wife department on looks alone. Maybe a sweaty little fling after she rescues him from drowning, but she doesn’t quite fit Gronk’s requirements for long-term consideration.

So what, exactly, is the big man looking for in a wife?

  1. She’s gotta clean.

Well, that’s not totally unreasonable—all humans should clean. He doesn’t say that he won’t clean too, although the rest of the list does bring that into doubt.

  1. She’s gotta cook.

Pretty much everything from above applies here too. Humans have to eat, which usually means they have to cook. That being said, so far this list is unimaginative and sadly predictable.

  1. She’s gotta make “big cash.”

Well that is less predictable. Wait. How much money does it take to feed the Gronk? And doesn’t he make an awful lot of money on his own? If he wants his wife to make piles of money, let’s hope he’s willing to pitch in, at least a little, on all that cooking and cleaning.

  1. She’s gotta stay at home.

Say what? That works well with the cooking and cleaning bit, but how’s Mrs. Gronkowski going to make all that money if she’s working for free as his domestic servant? And does that mean she has to stay home forever? Or is she allowed to go out on occasion—ya know, like to the grocery store.

  1. She’s gotta let Gronk do whatever Gronk wants.

Okay then. So Mrs. Gronk does the cooking and cleaning, and somehow manages to support the family by making piles of money, despite only leaving the house to go grocery shopping. And Mr. Gronk does whatever the F he wants. Awesome.

The line forms to the right, imaginary women who think that sounds just swell.

Apparently getting “GRONK’D!” means a woman traveling back in time to the 50s…after robbing a bank.

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